The Truth About the Lies We Tell Our Kids

To lie has become as American as apple pie. We lie to protect ourselves; we lie to promote ourselves. We lie to elevate ourselves; we lie to excuse ourselves. Soon after we learned how to walk, we learned how to lie (“I didn’t do it.”) Later in life, we’ll tell money lies (“The check is in the mail”), math lies (“I just turned 39”), and work lies (“I can’t come in to work today, I’m sick”).

While every lie has its consequence, the most damaging lies of all are the ones we tell our kids. Why? Because they erode our credibility and distort their reality. I’ve seen hundreds of kids as a psychologist and I’ve concluded that while unhealthy behavior prompted the trip to my office, unhealthy beliefs lie at the heart of the behavior. Beliefs determine behaviors. Unhealthy behaviors are based on unhealthy beliefs— change the beliefs and you change the behaviors. Unfortunately, we become what we believe.

Our purposes may be noble, but we lie to our kids for three main reasons. First, to help them make sense out of their circumstances (that’s okay honey; he wasn’t good for you anyway). Secondly to bring assurance to their anxieties (looks don’t matter; it’s what’s inside that counts) and finally, to inspire them to reach beyond their limits (if you can dream it, you can do it). The problem is— none of these are true. Each contains a little bit of fact and a little bit of fiction.

Lies We Tell Our Kids

Lie #1: You can be anything you want to be. It’s a belief that’s fashionable, but is it factual? Seventy-five percent of parents think so. So can you teach a bird to swim or a fish to fly? Of course not. It’s a lie that’s based on a belief that desires produce dreams. They don’t. Desire may direct your choice, training may develop your mind and motivation may fuel your fire, but ultimately the difference between average and awesome is ability. God created each of us unique. Could Beethoven carve a statue like Michelangelo? Could Mozart draw like Picasso? Could Picasso become an accountant? The numbers just wouldn’t line up. Literally. As a parent, my job is to help my children discover and develop the unique gifts that God has invested in them. Kids cannot be anything they want to be, but they can do the most with what they’ve got and do it in a way that nobody has ever seen before.

Lie #2: It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose; it’s how you play the game. Then why does everybody keep score? In school, in sports and in the workplace— everyone keeps score.

A few years ago, the Dallas Mavericks of the NBA spent millions of dollars on an eight-sided, 360-degree electronic scoreboard. Why? Because in the NBA, they keep score. Do the Mavericks have some of the nicest guys on the court? Yes. But did they score fewer points than the Miami Heat when they played in the NBA playoffs a few years ago? Yes. As a result, Miami was offered congratulations; Dallas was offered condolences.

I’m not saying that character doesn’t matter. It does. As a parent, if I could only pick one, I’d choose character over competence any day, but I live in a world where both are important. Parents are missing the mark if they teach their kids that score doesn’t matter.

In the classroom those with the highest grades succeed, those with the lowest stumble. On the court, those with the most points move on, those with the least move over. My point? Winning isn’t everything, but the score is kept for a reason. As a parent, teach your kids to keep one eye on their character, one eye on their competence— and one eye on the scoreboard.

Lie # 3: Looks don’t matter; it’s what’s on the inside that counts. God may look at the inside, but the research demonstrates that He may be the only one.

America is blinded by beauty. Numerous studies have concluded that what’s on the outside conquers what’s on the inside hands down. Relative to those not so physically-blessed, attractive people are perceived as more competent, confident and sociable. At school, teachers demonstrate a “halo effect” towards the buffed, the bronzed and the beautiful. Teachers’ expectations are higher for good looking students and academic performance matched those expectations. It’s a self-fulfilling prophesy. In the workplace, attractive candidates are more likely to be hired, promoted and receive nine percent higher incomes than their less attractive co-workers.

My message to parents? Once again, character matters most, but telling our kids that appearance is irrelevant is a lie that will cost them academically, socially and vocationally. Appearance is important and first impressions are unforgettable. Work with your kids to make appearance count— not cost.

The truth is, I’ve been a Pinocchio Parent just like you. These lies slid off the tip of my tongue without examining the truth or the consequences. Today, I’m committed to telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth… so help me God.

Dr. Chuck Borsellino is a clinical psychologist and host of the nationally syndicated television program At Home Live! With Chuck & Jenni which airs on the FamilyNet television network. Dr. Borsellino resides in Dallas, TX and has been married to Jenni for the past 27 years. Together, they have three children: Brittany, Cody and Courtney.

Trusting God When Things Go Wrong

Does God care more about our obedience—or about our trusting Him? They often go hand-in-hand, but many students carry with them a kind of black-and-white view of God that their behavior is what matters most to Him. Yes, they know He loves them in spite of their sin—but they also believe He cares most about them NOT sinning.

But even in the Old Testament—with God’s people living under His very specific instructions—what He often seems most offended by when that fail is that they don’t trust Him. He sounds most angry that they are not convinced about His love, His power, or His goodness, as evidenced by their disobedience.

When coupled with our New Testament understanding of God, we see that He is a Father who cares deeply that His children take Him at His word, believe that He cares for them, and trust His ability to meet their needs.

We’re pulling our talking points this week from Numbers 20:2-13 with the hope of encouraging students to look beyond a simple right-versus-wrong view of God and to see Him as a person who cares deeply about whether they trust Him or not. It may be helpful to read this quick story with or without your child before looking for a good time to talk about these questions.

Talking Points

• What are some of the different ways people can respond when something really terrible happens?
• How about in our family? Do we tend to get scared? Angry? Frustrated? Or do we ever choose a more positive response?
• A story in Numbers 20 describes the Israelites, still wandering in the wilderness, coming to a town in the desert where they probably expected to find water for them and their kids and their animals. Instead, the place was dry. If something didn’t change, lots of people could have died. How do you think they responded?
• The first thing the Israelites did was to get angry with their leaders, fighting with Moses and challenging his choices. Have you ever noticed that people often look for someone to blame when bad things happen?
• Do you think we ever tend to try to blame others for bad things, even if it really isn’t that person’s fault? What does that response say about who we are trusting to keep bad things from happening to us?
• The story describes how the complaining Israelites made a list of other things that had gone wrong for them. Have you noticed that when things go wrong, people tend to make lists of all the wrong things in their lives?
• The Israelites had been in a very similar situation before—and God had miraculously provided them with water. He’d also done miracles like keeping their shoes from wearing out, parting the Red Sea to save them from the Egyptians, and sending food to them in the middle of the desert year after year. Why do you think we don’t tend to remember all the good things God has given to us when bad things happen?
• Do you think that’s something we can control? Can we choose what list we will make—the bad things list or the good things list? How does the list we choose show what we think about the goodness and trustworthiness of God?
• Moses and Aaron responded to the disaster by going to God to ask for His help. How does our choice to pray or not to pray when something terrible happens show whether we really trust God or not?
• God gave Moses and Aaron very specific instructions for how He would provide water for the people. Moses was supposed to talk to a rock, but he got angry and hit the rock, instead. God punished him and Aaron for that. Why do you think it matters to God so much that we do exactly what He tells us to do? Do you ever wonder if He’s just on a power trip, just wanting to control everyone?
• Here’s what He told Moses was the reason He cared that Moses didn’t do exactly as God had said: “Because you did not trust in me enough . . .” How does partial obedience to God show that we don’t really trust Him? How does full obedience show that we really trust Him?
• What do you think God cares most about—that we do exactly what He tells us to down to the last detail or that we trust His heart as right and good and strong and loving? Have you ever thought about God loving you in a way that cares that you believe Him, that cares what you think about Him as your Father?
• We can obey God because we trust Him and believe He will always do what’s best for us. What are some other reasons people might obey God? Do you think some obey out of pride? Out of selfish fear? Out of defeat?
• Do you think it matters why we obey God?
• What are some areas of your life where you’d like to be able to trust better that God is right, that He loves you, or that He’s powerful enough to do what He says He will do for you?
• Do you ever think of disobeying God as not trusting Him?

Inside My Weekend

Friday
Day off

Simple Day at Home with the Family

Kids in Bed Early

Watched Movie with the Wife
Worked on 24.7 Falll Messages until 1am

Crashed

Saturday
Up early

Made Pancakes

Played Videos Games with my Son

Dinner (Ribs) with Friends

Family Movie Night - Horton Hears a Who

Read Books with Son

Bed

Sunday
Church

Helps Meeting at 9:30

2nd Service Guest Speaker

Interrn Creative Meeting at 1pm

Rest

Wii

Read Books with Colin

Bed Early

Peter Molyneux Project Natal E3 2009

This is over the top...WOW!

What I wish someone told me about youth ministry…

This was a blog that I get from a youth pastor that I follow and thought it was worth sharing.

1. It’s very emotional, unlike any other job. You’ll experience the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows.

2. It’s very messy, and always will be as long as you work with people who are just as imperfect and sinful as you are.

3. It’s constantly changing. Youth culture never stays the same from year to year, and neither do the kids, values, nor worldviews. Youth ministry must always morph along with it. As soon as you think you have a handle on it, think again.

4. It requires strong vision casting. Any leadership position does, but leadership in youth ministry does especially. Your leaders, teens, parents, church and community all depend on it.

5. Don’t think you need to do it all. In fact, the ministry is healthier when you enable others to serve instead of taking responsibility for every youth event, trip, fundraiser, small group, idea, and strategy that furthers the vision.

6. No matter what people at your new church say, don’t make deep rooted changes in the ministry until after two years of building trust and respect.

7. Live a life that is above reproach in everything. Eventually even “little things” will come to light and you will be held to a higher level of accountability for it.

8. Kids really don’t care how “cool” you are or how well you know scripture as much as they care about how much you love them as individuals, not as a group.

9. Have a firm grasp on what your values are in ministry and make sure they’re are aligned with a church’s written and unwritten values before accepting a paid youth ministry position there.

10. Don’t be too discouraged if you don’t see results and life-change take place right away. Sometimes it takes years, and even then you won’t always hear about it.

What do you wish someone would’ve told you about youth ministry before you got started? 

When you started out as a parent, chances are you felt completely unprepared to deal with the challenges of a child. But at some point in your journey, you've probably found yourself feeling confident in your parenting role and abilities. The routine and predictability of your child's life became manageable and fairly easy to navigate. Now that your child is a teenager (or soon-to-be a teen), you may be feeling overwhelmed at times with fear, confusion, frustration, and a lack of understanding. It almost feels like you're starting all over with a screaming, needy, and sometimes whiny child (only much taller and with more attitude!).

The changes of adolescence, while normal for every teen, feel completely abnormal to parents of teenagers, often leaving you feeling like a helpless bystander. But you're not alone and there is hope to help you (and your teen) get through these challenging, changing years.

For more than 30 years, Dr. Walt Mueller has studied adolescents and the culture that surrounds them. His expertise was put to the test when his own children became teenagers. Now he's bringing wisdom from research and his own experience to help other parents through the tumultous years of adolescence. 

With empathy and practical tools, this book will help you understand the changes your teen is experiencing, and help you effectively parent them as you explore how to:

• create a smoother adolescent period for your teen
• begin to break through the walls of confusion, fear, frustration, and misunderstanding
• be a positive and proactive bridge-builder into the life and world of your teenager

Regain the confidence you once felt as a parent, and create a parent-teen relationship that helps your teen (and you) get through these change-filled years successfully. 

Pre-order sale price: $8

Brand New! Coming May 2009!
Accepting Pre-orders now. Click here to order.
Books will be shipped in early May.

Boundaries with Teens // theparentlink

In this exciting new book, Dr. Townsend gives important keys for establishing healthy boundaries—the bedrock of good relationships, maturity, safety, and growth for teens and the adults in their lives. The book offers help in raising your teens to take responsibility for their actions, attitudes, and emotions.

http://www.realworldparents.com/store/item/boundaries_with_teens/